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Who said Philosophers don't have a sense of humor? Here are a few philosophical jokes for you - hope they make you smile!
Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather
with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks
him if he would like another. 'I think not,' he says and vanishes
in a puff of logic.
Jean-Paul sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft
of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, 'I'd like a cup
of coffee, please, with no cream.' The waitress replies, 'I'm sorry,
monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?'
Below you will find our unique gallery of Adult Humor & Funny
Jokes (Political, Twisted, stupid) from a diversity of famous philosophers
and thinkers: Albert Einstein, Bertrand Russell, Oscar Wilde, George
Washington, Winston Churchill, Ronald Reagan, Soren Kierkegaard,
Karl Marx, Friedrich Nietzsche, Plato.
We hope you find our selection interesting and useful. Cheers!
 Political
Comedy: Churchill Against Democracy 'The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.' |
 Irony:
Freedom of speech, Freedom of Thought 'People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.' (Soren Kierkegaard, 1813 - 1855) |
 |
 Funny
Words: President George Washington 'Make the most of the Indian hemp seed, and sow it everywhere!' (George Washington, note to his gardener at Mount Vernon, 1794) |
 Rational
Man: Bertrand Russell Humor and Wit 'It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.' |
 Clever
Humour: Bertrand Russell Thinking Quote 'Many people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.' |
 Ronald
Reagan Joke: Terror of Government 'The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'' |
 Political
Humor: Ronald Reagan on the Deficit 'I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.' |
 Office
Humor: Ronald Reagan on Hard Work 'It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?' |
 |
 Physics
Comedy: on Quantum Theory 'At the moment physics is again terribly confused. ...I wish I had been a movie comedian or something of the sort and had never heard of physics.' (Wolfgang Pauli, on Quantum Theory) |
 |
 Priceless
humor: George Orwell Animals Humanity 'All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.' |
 Humorous
Nietzsche: Fallacy of Moral Religion 'In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point.' |
 Humor
in Politics: Karl Marx on Business 'Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.' |
 Funny
Quotes: William James: Irony of Thought and Prejudice 'A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.' |
NOTE: We thought we would add a few stupid philosophy jokes to humor you! The humor products are after the jokes. Hope you find it amusing / makes you laugh. Have a nice day! Karene
Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
* * * * *
Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or
her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"
* * * * *
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him
if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes
in a puff of logic.
* * * * *
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being
and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee,
please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur,
but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
* * * * *
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My
son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family,
and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas
in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's
nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the
first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"
She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable
minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second
item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the
girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and
asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would
he like potato pancakes?"
************
Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you
explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss
Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida
--------
Dear Flummoxed,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus
on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get
exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief
but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation
untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is
irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss
dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss,
forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss
the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to
the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience
of the kiss--which must necessarily also be differentiated from the act
itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same
or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather
than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted
generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely
on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss
a kiss that takes an extraordinarily long time, yet leaves you unable
to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Socratic kiss
really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique
so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly
Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more
ground.
Kantian kiss
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed
entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't
actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the
best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends
up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't
matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and
completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Pythagorean kiss
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques
but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out
about them and copy them.
Cartesian kiss
a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore,
I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it
is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed.
(cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose
contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of
where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have
figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss
are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty
is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual
kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else
in the room with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
Zenoian kiss
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
- Doctor Rude
From: https://www.trygve.com/uekiss.html
***************
Humor: Philosophy / Philosophers Jokes
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Jacques Derrida:
Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of
the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid
as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism
is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends
upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
From: https://eserver.org/philosophy/chicken.txt
-------------------------------------
Which remided me of one of my favourite quotes from Thoreau;
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only
the essential facts of life, and see if I could learn what it had to teach,
and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not
wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practice
resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and
suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like
as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave
close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms,
and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness
of it, and publish its meanness to the world; or if it were sublime, to
know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it in my
next excursion.
(Henry David Thoreau, Walden)
Simplify, Simplify. Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me
truth.
... To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even
to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live according to its dictates,
a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust. (Henry David
Thoreau, Walden, 1854)
https://www.spaceandmotion.com/Philosophy-Henry-David-Thoreau.htm
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